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I met my girlfriend whilst she was working at the zoo. There she was in her uniform – straightaway I knew she was a keeper. Tony Cowards (@TonyCowards)
People tell me I take mini-golf too seriously, but my caddy disagrees. Glenn Moore (@TheNewsAtGlenn)
Interesting fact: T-shirt is short for Tyrannosaurus Shirt. Because of the short arms. Alice Fraser (patreon.com/AliceFraser)
I’ve been learning German for twenty years. It’s zwanzig Jahren. The Horne Section (@hornesection)
Just a quick note to say thanks to everybody for all the wonderful birthday cards and money yesterday. And to the Royal Mail for giving me the job. Ben Turner (@benturnercomedy)
Stretch marks are basically badges to say “well done for eating all the biscuits”. Laura Lexx (@lauralexx)
Too many people leave their body to science. I’m going to leave mine to Geography and see if they can do anything with it. John-Luke Roberts (@jlukeroberts)
If I were God I’d spend all my time appearing at Richard Dawkins. He’d never tell anyone but it would really piss him off. Jonny & The Baptists (jonnyandthebaptists.co.uk)
They say one glass of wine in the evening is good for your health, but how many should I be having in the morning? Steff Todd (@SteffTodd)
Tax avoidance is like snogging in public. Disgusting, unless you personally are involved. Geoff Norcott (@GeoffNorcott)
I was embarrassed about doing pole vault at school, but you know what? They gave me stick and I got over it. Mark Simmons (Mark’s podcast is Jokes With Mark Simmons)
I love going on holiday. It’s important to argue somewhere different. Tania Edwards (Read Tania’s Corona Diaries on Instagram)
I spent the last three days alone trying to learn escapology. I need to get out more. Pete Firman (petefirman.co.uk)
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is available in the supermarket, so this week cat food and grapes. Ignacio Lopez (@comedylopez)
I saw the list of the top 100 things to do before you die for dolphins and “swim with humans” was not on it. Rob Auton (The Rob Auton Daily Podcast)
I like to watch Love Your Garden when I have my tea and then True Crime before bed. I feel really confident being able to bury a body and know what to plant on top of it. Lucy Beaumont (lucybeaumont.co.uk)
Apparently women are twice as empathetic as men. I can’t even imagine what that must be like. Adrian Grey (@AdrianRMG)
Sex is a bit like making your own pastry isn’t it? You know you should, but you’re not sure if you can be bothered. Jenny Eclair (Jenny Elcair’s novel Inheritance is out now)
The other day I saw one of those new “driverless” cars. In fact, I saw a whole car park full of them! Milton Jones (miltonjones.com)
In an increasingly chaotic world with both natural and man-made disasters, we should downgrade Dennis to merely “a” menace. Alex Kealy (Alex’s special Rationale is streaming on NextUp)
If you’ve ever narrowly avoided a car crash and said, “Man, that was close,” you understand every Jewish holiday. Alex Edelman (patreon.com/alexedelman)
I’ve decided to call my vagina “Plato’s Cave” because it’s shadowy, merely an imperfect copy and loads of Greek men have been in it. Tiff Stevenson (Tiff’s comedy night Old Rope is live-streamed Mondays on Instagram Live)
The safest thing for the British public is to be stopped from going to pubs, football matches and places like Spain. This has only become more true now that coronavirus has hit. Pierre Novellie (Pierre co-hosts the podcast Budpod with Phil Wang)
“Good artists borrow, great artists steal” is a quotation widely attributed to Picasso, but actually it was me that said it first. Kieran Boyd (@Kieran_Boyd)
The fourth Russian doll is the most pretentious, because she talks about herself in the third person. Olaf Falafel (Olaf’s children’s book It’s One Giant Leek For Mankind is out now)
