Seven people you’ll definitely meet on the train between Cambridge and London

This is probably one of the most picturesque train journeys in the country. Once you’ve slowly passed Cambridge University Press and the Royal Mail building you’re well on your way, gliding through gorgeous yellow rapeseed fields and rolling meadows. What could possibly ruin it?

Well, people. People can ruin it. And listen, we’re not naive to the fact that we fall well within this category and no doubt have our own annoying habits that drive those around us insane.

Have we taken a phone call on the train before? Yes. Have we really wanted to just sit on our own and have a little bit of personal space? Yes.

And with the route becoming ever more popular it’s understandable that these small luxuries should fall by the wayside somewhat.

But we try and be considerate of those around us, something a few of the characters we’re about to outline could do with trying…

And listen, deep down we know to live and let live. But sometimes there’s nothing more cathartic than a rant.

So without further ado, cue the rant!

The seat hogger

You knew this one before we even named them because  it’s the absolute classic. It doesn’t matter if you’re on your way to work in the morning or stumbling back on the last train on a weekend, someone will have put their rucksack unnecessarily next to them so you can’t sit there.

You make eye contact and sense the shame they feel, but in that split second you both know that it’s not strong enough for them to actually move the bag.

Being very British about the whole thing you obviously just scream internally and smile at them before walking on down the carriage.

Extra “oh my gosh why” points go to the Seat Hogger 2.0s of the world, who sit on the outside seat and put their bag on their inside one like some needy toddler who wants to look and point at things outside the window.

What do you want me to do, crawl over your lap like we’re in the cinema and I’ve just had to awkwardly squeeze out to go for a wee? Thanks but no thanks, good sir, I would rather stand near the doors and glare at you from the carriage intersection.

The one with the bike

Do not get me wrong I am all about greener travel. The huge number of cyclists in Cambridge are one of my top reasons for loving it, and for living here.

But if I’m crammed in standing up near the doors – which, thanks to the seat hoggers I definitely am – I really don’t want your enormous bike brushing up against me.

I’m wearing my work trousers! And while yes OK a muddy tire mark would add an added layer (literally) of intrigue and mystery to my otherwise rather banal get up, I would kind of like to have a choice. Like whether I wear red lipstick today or not.

So, in case you don’t know where I’m going with this yet, please don’t touch me with your bike. Or I’ll have to retaliate by smearing red lipstick on it so it knows how I feel.

The one with sound-leaking headphones

Absolutely no judgement from me if you’re listening to old school Mariah Carey on your way to work. Heck, I encourage it. But if you’re unaware of how. much. sound. your. headphones. are. leaking. then please wise up. I’d let you know, but you wouldn’t hear me.

The mouth breather

I’m going to let you off in the winter months for this one because let’s be honest none of us can breathe through our noses properly. But at any other time of year I really really don’t want to feel like I’m living in a real-life ASMR video, where it feels like my senses are heightened and all I can do is hear you breathing. If I can hear you over the engines and your Mariah Carey, then Houston we have a problem.

The phone caller

Barry, I don’t want to hear in detail the plan for this morning’s meeting, nor have you talk me through each and every power point slide. I and the rest of the carriage aren’t impressed that you’re heading to Canary Wharf, which you’ve weirdly told the person on the end of the phone even though they surely already know that? Anyway, we are absolutely here for you living your best executive life, but please don’t talk so loudly.

I’m starting to realise that these are almost all sound-related, and yes once I’ve finished writing I will look up “cheap earplugs”, but for now we charge onward!

Drunk football fans

Another cheeky noise-based complaint. Shock! But I can’t abide lager fuelled football chanting, even though I’m all for people having a mint time with their friends.

But when it feels obnoxiously loud and there are cans rolling by my feet it’s just not nice. Especially as a woman, it can feel intimidating. So oway lads, give us a break.

The solo-rider who takes up a whole table

Full disclosure:  I have been known to be this person. Possibly more than once. But in my self-righteous ignorance I still find myself annoyed when other people do it.

What if a delightful cartoon family skip onto the train picnic basket swinging gaily beside them and need a place to sit? (I know, I know, you’d move, obviously). But the idea of sitting away from other people is so inviting…