Who deserves to get the Covid jab next?

The rollout of the first Covid-19 vaccines has forced governments to decide who really needs saving. So far, elderly people, followed by frontline healthcare workers, are being given priority — although US members of Congress have jumped the queue. But with the vaccine in short supply, and public impatience sure to grow, we need a more detailed list of who comes first.

US president Donald Trump could be high priority: without prejudicing ongoing investigations, I believe there’s a high risk of exposure where he’s heading. Boris Johnson, the British prime minister, is also high priority. With his luck, he’s bound to catch it twice.

His health secretary, Matt Hancock, is medium priority — we can’t watch him pretend to cry on national television again. And home secretary Priti Patel is whatever priority will stop her throwing ringbinders across the office.

Anyone who wrote more than 10 Christmas cards is medium priority. Anyone who remembered to send them moves up to high. The man who jet-skied four-and-a-half hours from Scotland to the Isle of Man to see his girlfriend is high priority. These are the people who will rebuild this nation.

The Crown series four is low priority or, as Netflix have agreed to call it, “high priority with creative licence”.

The US presidential lawyer Rudy Giuliani is low priority — we have to recount every single vaccine first, Rudy. The electoral college is also low priority, the popular vote is high priority. Take constitutional reform however you can get it. The British Royal Mail is high priority, which means it probably still won’t arrive for months. Harry and Meghan, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, are exactly the same priority as William and Kate, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. There’s enough needle between them already.

The following are high priority because we need them to continue their work immediately: those involved in the production and distribution of alcohol; the lawyers of the feuding billionaire Barclay twins; and the cast and crew of series three of HBO’s Succession.

The following are low priority because we need them not to continue their work, ever: Facebook’s public affairs team; UK education secretary Gavin Williamson; and the cast and crew of Rupert Murdoch’s new UK news channel.

Mr Murdoch himself has already had the vaccine. I didn’t realise he was so keen on science, but maybe I’ve just spent too much time reading his views on climate change. Foreign exchange traders are low priority until they start believing in Britain. Prince Andrew is high priority, as we’ve been unable to trace his close contacts on several nights. Despite his resignation from Downing Street, mini-Machiavelli Dominic Cummings is medium-to-high priority, due to an underlying eye condition.

The first person to start a row on the neighbourhood WhatsApp group is low priority; the virus will surely get bored of them regardless. Anyone who refers to “Monsieur Barnier” and “Frau Merkel” in sentences that otherwise contain only English words is low priority; Blitz spirit should see them through. While we’re at it, anyone who claims credit for winning a world war despite being born after 1945 is low priority — they wouldn’t want to do this the easy way.

Topshop owner Philip Green’s priority is being decided by the administrators, but he has made clear that he is prepared for any injection that isn’t a cash injection. The people who steal catalytic converters on my street are low priority. They seem to spend a lot of their time outside anyway.

The Australian cricket team is low priority. England need some hope of regaining the Ashes. Vladimir Putin is high priority — unless of course he prefers the Sputnik vaccine. Joshua Wong, Nathan Law and other Hong Kong democracy campaigners are high priority, because even in the worst times, we need heroes.

henry.mance@ft.com