Bah humbug to barmy barcode, says JENNIFER SELWAY | Express Comment | Comment

The most recent price hike of 10p was in April. The Royal Mail introduced stamps with barcodes last February as part of an “extensive and ongoing modernisation drive”. Customers, lucky us, can scan the barcodes and watch Shaun the Sheep videos if you download the Royal Mail app.

So far I have never heard of anyone ever watching a video on a stamp. Has anyone ever said: “Don’t throw away that old envelope whatever you do. I must watch the Shaun the Sheep video first”?

In a bid to further alienate their customers, the Royal Mail has now said that stamps without barcodes will no longer be valid after January 31.

A couple of days ago I was in the queue at my local Post Office where the woman ahead of me was complaining bitterly. She spoke for us all.

Sure, you can swap up to £200 worth of non-barcoded stamps for the new valid ones by filling in a form and sending them back. But that’s another chore one can do without. And it’s inevitable that thousands of pounds worth of stamps will be lying around in people’s kitchen drawers and wallets, unused and unusable. In a grudging concession, the Royal Mail has said that Christmas stamps without barcodes can be used after the deadline. Big deal.

Like many people I tended to buy a lot of stamps at one time, congratulating myself that they were a sort of hedge against inflation. No matter how old the stamp was or how much you’d paid, the Royal Mail would honour its obligation to deliver your post. Now it feels as though it is wriggling out of that contract.

The Royal Mail is not just any old delivery service. It’s part of our national infrastructure and we have a deep emotional attachment to it. During lockdown, the sight of our post lady was always cheering. Yet the service has got worse and worse.

Even the presence of a first-class stamp is no longer a guarantee of a first-class service. Our local Post Office is due to close down soon too. Don’t get me started on that.

The ruling on postage stamps feels like the end… the end of an abusive relationship. They’ve gone too far this time.

Zut alors!

The French are outraged by a lavish new British-made TV series called Marie Antoinette (starring Emilia Schule in the title role) which (according to Le Figaro newspaper) “insults the queen” with “an avalanche of scenes that are often vulgar, totally out of context and sometimes plain obscene”. Zut alors!

But if we’re talking insults, surely it’s worth pointing out that the French are the ones who actually sent the poor woman to the guillotine?

It doesn’t get much more insulting than that.

The ‘real men’ on telly

There have been quite a lot of what you might call “real men” on telly of late. Oh still my beating heart. Let’s hear it for the heroes of the BBC documentary series Trawlermen. The last episode is this week and the series has reeled me in. Filmed early last autumn, it follows the fortunes of a number of fishing boats around our seas.

It’s not about quotas or Brexit or the welfare of fish. Vegans look away now. It’s about the men who put their lives at risk day after day, in roiling seas, so we can have our cod’n’chips and pan-fried scallops.

The rewards can be big but the reverse is also true. Some of the skippers are very young for such responsibility and some are grizzled old salts. And I love ’em all.

And then SAS Rogue Heroes popped up on BBC One. Based on the book by Ben Macintyre, and written by Steven Knight who also gave us Peaky Blinders, it’s about the formation of the SAS during the desert war of 1941. Nobody has mental health issues or wants to get in touch with their female side – with the possible exception of the cross-dressing Colonel Dudley Clarke (played by Dominic West).

Although come to think of it, they do all have mental health issues – they’re bonkers. And terribly, terribly brave.

My autumn pin-ups.

The go-to source of prezzies for all the family

The Gwyneth Paltrow Goop Christmas gift list has arrived in our midst! At last! For – without wishing to be mean to all the other seasonal gift guides that promise “thoughtful” gifts and personalised cashmere socks – this one is my go-to source of prezzies for all the family.

How has any of us managed without a $420 Gucci dog poo holder, above? I don’t even have a dog but I can see that if I did it would be essential. So much better than a small plastic sandwich bag. Or there’s neon loo paper for humans at a reasonable $18.

Best of all is the “tufted” black leather sex chair “decked out with stirrups and restraints” at $28,500, which Gwynnie says is perfect for “living room or sex dungeon”.

Perhaps a garage or utility room would do?

Sling out that exercise bike and live a little.

UK will manage perfectly well without Matt Hancock

Matt Hancock, eh? How could he – at such a desperate time in our nation’s history – desert his post for I’m A Celebrity? Has he no shame? “No” is the answer to that.

But the UK will manage perfectly well without Matt and his roll-neck sweaters and come-to-bed eyes.

And judging by the way Rishi Sunak blanked him after he became PM I don’t think his spell in the political wilderness is about to end. But take comfort… on a chilly evening, the prospect of Matt being handed one bushtucker trial after another is far more warming than that extra jumper.

Permacrisis

Collins dictionary has chosen “permacrisis” as the new word of the year, defined as “an extended period of instability and insecurity”. It’s that sense of doom and gloom thanks to Covid, Ukraine, climate change, inflation etc.

Uncertainty is the lot of humanity because we can’t see into the future. And our circumstances are hardly uniquely awful in the history of the world.

A word like “permacrisis” is the perfect expression of our self-important silliness.

will manage perfectly well without

Last week as a “brand ambassador” for Porsche, tennis star Emma Raducanu took possession of the keys of a beautiful Porsche 911. Since winning the US Open last year she has signed deals with any number of luxury goods firms including Tiffany and Dior.

Beset by injury and setbacks on court she has been accused of cashing in on her instant fame and not focusing on her tennis.

And by this accumulation of so much swag and bling and carbon footprint, she could hardly be called the Greta Thunberg (that other 19-year-old role model for millions) of tennis.

Like Raducanu I too have a fondness for diamonds and fast cars which, sadly, is rarely indulged.

But I wonder if such blatant displays of her new-found wealth will sit well with fans in our puritanical times?