How churches can help people deal with grief

Christian Today speaks to Sonya Pascoe, bereavement trainer at Care for the Family, about her new book The Grief Journey and how churches can support people who have lost a loved one.

In your book you say that it is normal to ask questions when coming to terms with death. Yet some believers may have been raised to never question God and feel like this is a lack of faith. What would you say to them?

I would say: try not to panic or let yourself be unduly concerned when you have questions. When someone we are close to dies, grief can shake both us and our beliefs to the core. And itt can be completely normal to question God, perhaps asking ‘why did He allow this to happen?’, ‘why did God not answer my prayer for healing?’, or ‘where is God?’. All of these questions are normal, although not everyone will ask them.

Many times in the Bible, and particularly in the Psalms, we read of raw emotions like anguish and pain. For example, in Psalm 22, we hear David cry out to God, ‘My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from my cries of anguish?’

This is the natural outpouring of a grieving person’s thoughts and emotions and it is ok to have feelings of doubt or fear. Perhaps sharing some of these thoughts with someone you trust would be helpful.

In the Christian faith, God is often referred to as an ‘anchor’ in times of trouble. How can believers hold firmly onto God in the midst of grief?

The Bible is filled with comforting verses and promises for people to lean on, and we also have a wealth of hymns and songs within the Christian church that help bring comfort in these times.

People who have been bereaved often share how they find comfort and peace as they grieve, describing God as their rock or anchor for example. I know of others who have not had that peace in the initial days and that is very normal. When we are navigating grief, everything in our lives can feel uncertain and that of course can include our faith.

Having faith does not mean that we have to shut down the gut wrenching agony of our ‘whys’ or the deep sense of loss. But it can bring comfort to know that the doubts and questions are all part of a grief journey.

Last year our little granddaughter died before birth. We felt an almost crushing sadness. One of the hardest things was coming to terms with the loss of our hopes and dreams of not having another grandchild in our family and seeing all that she would have been able to achieve in her lifetime. A massive hole gaped in our family and coupled with our own grief was the agony of watching our daughter and son-in-law full of pain in grief and heartbreak after the loss of their precious daughter. Somehow amidst the chaos that comes with grief, we did feel a sense of comfort and hope.

I have heard many people tell their story, perhaps months or even years after the person they loved died, who say that looking back now, they can see God was their anchor. At the time they couldn’t always see it. It is difficult, but try to be patient and kind to yourself whilst grieving.

How can churches support people walking through a season of grief and bereavement?

Research tells us that many people turn to the Church after the death of a loved one. Those who have faith and those who don’t normally attend church. Perhaps they come for a place to hold the funeral, or sometimes they are searching for hope. This gives the Christian community a massive opportunity to reach out to offer practical, emotional and spiritual support where appropriate.

There are many ways we can do this, especially in the early days and weeks such as helping with funeral arrangements, providing meals or picking up shopping, babysitting or arranging a playdate for children.

For those who have experienced loss, life does not go ‘back to normal’ after a while. Instead, they can begin to realise even more acutely the huge hole their loved one has left. Grief is lonely and many of those going through loss can feel very isolated, especially if others act awkwardly or appear to avoid them.

Some churches have set up bereavement cafés where anyone can come along and meet people. When they are ready, they have a safe space to talk about the person who has died or simply how they themselves are feeling.

There is some evidence to suggest that men sometimes find it more difficult to open up about grief, so one church started a men’s walking group where men could come along and have an opportunity to talk as they walk.

Simple things go a long way to reassure someone who is grieving that they are not on their own. Sending texts or cards, phone calls, going for coffee and remembering anniversaries can make a huge difference.

Can therapy and counselling be helpful to those struggling with bereavement?

Everyone’s grief journey is unique. Different personalities will deal with bereavement in their own way. Some will want to speak openly about their loss whereas others may tend to isolate themselves. Whatever our personality, it can be helpful to speak to someone about how we are feeling. Seeking extra support through counselling can offer a safe space where you can speak openly and honestly without worrying about what the listener is thinking about you. Others may find it easier to speak to a trusted friend who they know will absorb what they say. Sharing how you feel is very often helpful to start the process of grieving.

Sometimes it’s hard to know what to say to someone experiencing bereavement. How can believers be a support in these moments?

Many people will find comfort in the message of God’s love. But glib or clichéd statements, such as ‘They are in a better place’ or ‘Everything happens for a reason’ or ‘They wouldn’t want you to be sad’ are unlikely to help. Be reassured that it is not our role to fix someone’s pain or grief – that is impossible. But we can help hugely by being prepared to listen.

When our granddaughter died, we had friends who listened. We probably repeated ourselves many times and probably still do, but they stayed and listened, again and again. We knew many of our questions could not be answered, but we were so grateful to those who allowed us to ask the questions anyway. They didn’t try to mend it or explain it away – they just listened and at times, cried along with us. They showed they care deeply by simply being there.

When it comes to the complexities of loss, some of the answers we long to give may not be found this side of Heaven. But we know a God who comforts and His promise to comfort those grieving is true. Even if it’s difficult to share this with them, we can pray this for them.

How is Care for the Family helping churches to support people through bereavement?

As people do often find it difficult to know what to say or do when someone is bereaved, we created training for churches to help give confidence to walk towards someone who is grieving rather than leaving it to someone else.

Our Bereavement Care Awareness Training is designed to equip people with a deeper understanding of the grieving process and give practical advice on how their church can support bereaved people in their community. Anyone interested in hosting a session at their church can find out more on our website cff.org.uk/bereavement. The sessions are available online and in person.

Another practical way of supporting those grieving is to offer them help or advice that they can access when the time is right for them. There are many good books that are suitable to recommend. At Care for the Family we have produced a new book, The Grief Journey, which may be helpful. It’s an accessible, compassionate guide to navigating the initial weeks and months following loss, while providing hope for the longer journey.