Care home nurse and resident both get kicked in the teeth

A care home nurse who retired after 45 years of devoted service in the same care home was essentially told to fuck off on her last day.

Mavis Baloney (62), had worked at Bright Futures care home in Gazely, W.Suffolk since first joining as a trainee care worker in 1978 – the year Ipswich beat Arsenal 0-1 in the FA cup final at Wembley.

It was a match dominated by an energetic and creative Ipswich side, managed by England legend, Bobby Robson. The underdogs were unlucky not to go ahead earlier in the first half of the match when Paul Mariner hit the bar, and later in the second half after John Wark had twice hit the post. The game was all but won when Roger Osborne flashed in the winner from close range on 77 minutes. The victory was Ipswich’s first and only in an FA cup final.

Getting back to the story

After clocking off for the final time, Mavis (the care home nurse), who had cared for over 16,000 geriatric residents during her career, was surprised by a small gathering of colleagues and guests in the lounge area, which had been decorated with a single balloon and a hastily manufactured and misspelled ‘Goodbye Mvis’ sign.

It was an emotional occasion and there wasn’t a dry eye (or mattress) in the home when a card and collection totaling £14.92 were presented to a surprised and appreciative Mavis.

Did anyone appraise the care home nurse?

After a short speech in which Manageress, Deidre Feathers, recognized Mavis’s dedication and professionalism during her many years at the home, and also her extraordinary effort during the Covid-19 pandemic during which she assisted in the deaths of over 27 guests, a farewell cake was wheeled out by oldest living resident, Vera (96), herself in a wheelchair.

At this point, Brian Savage, Managing Director of UK Care, the multinational health provider contracted by the NHS to offer private care to the elderly across the UK, stepped forward and removed the tin foil covering the cake.

Completely false

Upon revealing the farewell cake with it’s badly-drawn and slightly ungenerous message ‘Fuck U Quitter!’, pandemonium broke out in the care home. Three geriatrics pissed themselves with fear, two with laughter.

The old dear in the wheelchair rammed herself into a tall rubber plant which fell over and landed on another old timer, Eric, who was sitting half asleep in a tobacco-infused armchair. Waking with a start, the bewildered OAP spat out his loose-fitting false teeth which landed in the middle of the lounge, where two more demented nonagenarians were waltzing to imaginary music they last heard in the 1940’s.

As they stumbled, arm in arm around the urine-stained carpet, one of them, carefully watched by Molly the cat, kicked Eric’s falsies across the room straight into the goldfish tank.

By the time this was all over, Mavis (the care home nurse) was already on the No.312 on her way home, sans cake but £14.92 better off.