‘Rubbish and weeds still there for all to see’

Just have a stroll along the seafront, or a glance at recent Argus articles: “we’ve achieved a great deal in first 100 days”, or “unimpressed by Labour’s first 100 days”. Is there something magical in the number 100?

As the days begin to shorten, what change has come over Brighton and Hove under its new administration? We don’t need resident emails which act like glow worms in the dark – the weeds and the rubbish are still there for all to see.

Indeed, rewilding continues to run riot like David Bellamy’s beard. This summer we’ve never been busier swotting up on the new species of weeds and wildlife occupying our streets.

Patcham and Hollingbury might not be teeming in newts like Boris Johnson’s garden, but we have foxes, badgers and dormice, their traps swinging high up between the trees.

And there’s nothing like a planning proposal to raise awareness of wildlife. The Royal Mail has been kind enough to show us Patcham is home to six types of bat, including barbastelle and common pipistrelle, or pipistrellus pipistrellus as we’re in the company of David Bellamy. Their proposed site is also home to slow worms and common lizards, or zootoca vivipara.

Dim the lights, link hands and let’s invite the genial spirit of David to join us on a flora and fauna lecture tour of north Brighton, a slideshow of wildlife which thrive in the failings of the council.

As I peer into another bin to see how full it is, what do I spy? Slide number one please – the maggot. For you nature lovers out there, a maggot is the larvae of brachycera flies, such as houseflies, cheese flies (particularly unpleasant sounding) and blowflies. We’ve had plenty of sightings. I’ve known grown men cry at seeing their local maggots released back into the wild once their rubbish has been collected. And their habitat is spreading. Maggots are not just restricted to inexplicably forgotten side streets. Maggots can now be found whistling tunes on street corners and begging in front of shop windows.

Next slide please – the common weed. Whenever I’m out for a walk, you’ll never find me without my spotter’s guide to weeds. I’m really quite the expert now. There’s chickweed and bindweed (quite attractive), dandelion (does that count?), groundsel, couch grass, milk thistle and bugloss. Notice how comforting and kind most of the names are. Every paving slab lifting or twitten fence leaning is lifting or leaning because of these weeds. It’s not that weeds aren’t lovely in themselves. The only difference between a weed and a plant is the weed just doesn’t know when to stop. It just can’t shut up. The only time they do is when they’re smoked – is that why smoking is such a popular pastime in Brighton? I spent time recently trying to rid a clutch of lilac trees in Withdean Park of bindweed. We’re thinking of renaming it Bindweed Park.

Did you know there are 47 species of lavender? Slide number three please. Who minds the scent of lavender wafting across the ward even if it does vaguely remind you of carpeted downstairs bathrooms? Hollingbury was recently rocked by Lavender Gate. Don’t come between the gentlefolk of Hollingbury and their lavender bushes. While barley grass or Japanese knotweed – often spotted in our parks – continue to creep along our pavements, the council decided that lavender is the real weed needing uprooted. I wouldn’t be surprised if lavender starts sprouting all over the city in acts of revenge guerilla gardening. And why not? Bees love it, birds love, even Conservative councillors love it. The council did actually respond quickly to our request to save the bush. And saved it was. It was very pleasing seeing Hollingbury lavender growing out of the front page of the Argus. But really. As weeds run riot, don’t pick on genuinely lovely flowers even if they are a tad overgrown. Just send a letter requesting a bit of a trim.

While lavender was minding its own business, cricketers in Horsdean Recreation Ground could have been forgiven for thinking they’d become big game hunters in Kenya the grass was so long. Spectators were whistling the theme song from Born Free. Walk down any twitten and you might not be surprised to encounter gorillas in the mist.

I can’t predict the next 100 days. My crystal ball has given up the ghost. I am thinking of joining the next zombie march though, as I’m pretty certain Brighton will still look like a set from the film 28 Days Later.

l Alistair McNair is the leader of the Conservatives on Brighton and Hove City Council